Man Cave Defiled
by gawilliams
Summary: Booth catches Sweets doing something bad in the Man Cave and rushes to Bones blaming her.


_This came to me this evening as I was relaxing thinking of a recent episode of Bones. Something struck me and I decided to do a similar story to the one I wrote where Booth demands that Bones get a new office. I hope you enjoy this one. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Booth was in a very bad mood. He was making serious tracks to the Jeffersonian where Bones had decreed that she was going to work on the remains until Hell froze over (his impression of her statement) or an answer presented itself, whichever came first. Looking over at the car seat he smiled slightly when Christine grinned at him and slapped the edge of the seat.

"That's a good girl," he told her soothingly. "Daddy just needs to discuss something grown up with Mommy and then that nasty pervert Sweets will be a long gone memory."

He made a note to himself to watch his language around Christine, but she was young enough that the word "pervert" delivered _sotto voce_ would not be a devastating incident. Taking the turn into the Jeffersonian parking lot a little too fast, he slowed down and pulled into his reserved slot. Throwing the SUV into park and rapidly getting Christine out and in the stroller, he went inside, nodding quickly to the guard on duty. He made his way quickly to the bone room and stood for a moment watching her look intently at the three hundred year old remains in the table. He sighed, knowing that he was going to somehow wind up in the doghouse, but _damn it_ was nothing sacred anymore?

"This is all your fault, Bones," he said finally when he had gazed on perfection long enough.

Bones looked up, a smile on her face as she saw Booth and their daughter, which always brought a smile to her lips. "Excuse me?" she questioned.

"You just had to ask him, didn't you," Booth smoothly came into the room, rolling Christine to a good spot and parked her. "You couldn't leave the subject well enough alone, could you?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," she replied truthfully.

"Oh, I think you know exactly what I am talking about," Booth told her. "You just had to bring up the S word with Sweets, didn't you?"

"S word?" Bones asked, now really confused.

Booth took a meaningful look at Christine before turning back to Bones and hissed. "You know," he said, exasperated. "S-E-X!"

"Oh, sex," Bones said in a normal tone of voice, knowing that it would fluster Booth, which it did spectacularly.

"Bones!" he hissed again. "Ixnay on that word! We have young impressionable ears in the room!"

"Christine knows all about sex, Booth," Bones assured him.

"_**WHAT?**_" Booth almost had a stroke on the spot.

"Of course," Bones continued. "I have been teaching her about the complexities of the human body, and also some basic information about human sexuality."

Booth could feel the veins in his head about to pop. "Bones?" he asked timidly, not sure he wanted to hear the answer. "What in the name of all that's Holy are you doing giving lectures on _**that**_ to a child less then a year old?" Then he backtracked. "Nope," he held up his hand. "I don't really want to know. What I do want to know is what you intend to do about the apocalyptic disaster that has befallen our home?"

"What disaster are you referring to?" she asked.

"My Man Cave has been defiled!" Booth let loose somewhat hysterically, though it was, admittedly, a controlled hysteria as he didn't want to have Christine let loose with some bellowing shrieks of her own.

"Defiled?" she questioned.

"Sweets was in there playing Hide the Little Smokey with some girl!" Booth glared at her. "This is all your fault, Bones. You just had to put the idea in his head that it was time to let the Small Fry out to play!"

"I thought it was Hide The Salami," Bones looked confused. She would never get _**all**_ the slang when it came to sex, though she was quite conversant when it came to dirty talk, which she had found that Booth loved, which was more than okay with her.

"Bones, Sweets is a kid himself so there is no Salami at issue. It's a Little Smokey, though the fact that I'm debating what Sweets has South of the Border makes me want to lose my lunch!" Booth responded firmly. "Now I can't even go and hide out in the Man Cave without that hideous image popping up! What's worse was that they were going at it on my brand new all leather Flyer's couch! I hate to do this to you, Bones, but you need to give up the Anthropologist's Cave. It's a little small, but it'll do in a pinch for a new Man Cave while I demolish the old one, have the place fumigated, and then refurnish the place. All of which Sweets will be paying for, of course."

"No," Bones told him. "I am not about to give up my Anthropologist's Cave. You need to work this out with Sweets."

"Sweets is history, Bones," Booth told her.

"Sweets is our guest and living with us," Bones told him logically. "It would be rude and incredibly bad manners to try and hold someone to a celibacy standard when this is where they live."

"Can I beat the shit out of him then?" Booth flung up his arms in frustration. This was not going as he'd expected it to. Bones obviously hadn't come to realize how important the Man Cave was to a peaceful, tranquil home where Daddy could hide from the world. "We're talking about the Man Cave, Bones! It's been permanently ruined! No one gets Lucky in there but me and you!"

"Sweets has done nothing wrong, and it would be decidedly unfair for me to give you such permission when I haven't even heard Sweets' side of the whole event in question," she shook her head.

"Sweets doesn't get a vote! He defiled my Man Cave!" Booth defended himself.

"I will, however, make sure that Sweets apologizes for engaging in sexual relations in your Man Cave and that he agrees to engage in such activities in his room only, in the future, if he does so at the house," Bones told him.

"But Bones!" Booth pleaded. "I only got the couch last week and sat in it all of once! Now I have to replace the damn thing! This is not fair! Sweets is a pervert and needs to be taught a lesson!"

"I seriously doubt that anything Sweets was doing with a woman was perverted, given that you would likely have to begin labeling yourself as such given the range of our sexual repertoire since we began having a sexual relationship," she pointed out.

"I am not a pervert, though Father Mitch would disagree with me on that one," Booth defended himself.

She raised a brow. "Why would Mitch consider you a pervert?" she asked curiously.

Booth closed his eyes and cursed himself for even bringing that up at all. He considered not answering, but he just knew, with Bones as persistent as she was on _anything_, that if he didn't answer she would go straight to Mitch, the big snitch, and good old Mitch would come up with some kind of exception to the sanctity of the confessional and spill the beans to Bones.

"Until we got together and, uh, you know..." he began.

"Began having sexual intercourse," Bones interjected for the sake of complete candor and clarity, as well as seeing Booth continue being flustered.

"MAKING LOVE," Booth corrected firmly so his contribution wouldn't be total humiliation. "I had been fantasizing about you every damn day from day one when we first met and as that is coveting, it's a sin and I spent almost everyday in confession telling all and Mitch, the voyeuristic sneak, spent the entire time offering me absolution while letting me know just what a pervert I am. I still think he was doing it so he could get a good laugh at my expense."

"You spent time in confession everyday confessing to sexual fantasies about me?" Bones asked, shocked, though she had to be honest with herself and admit in her own mind just how often she had fantasized about Booth, and a myriad of sexual scenarios that she had frequently masturbated to.

"Bones, we are here discussing Sweets' perversion, not any of our lovemaking or fantasies," Booth redirected the conversation. He felt more and more as if a stroke were coming on. "Now, we need to deal with Sweets and his defilement of the Man Cave!"

"Alright," Bones said, her amusement growing with each second. "First I will speak to Sweets and let him know that if he decides to engage in sexual activities at home then it needs to be in his room, and we are not to be at the house."

"I don't want Sweets doing anything sexual in the house at all!" Booth tried to head her off at the pass. He could see his whole get rid of Sweets idea was spiraling right down the toilet.

"Second," Bones continued firmly, "He will apologize and take possession of the Flyer's couch and purchase you a new one next week."

"He gets taken for a ride on _**my**_ couch in _**my**_ Man Cave and he gets a brand new couch out of the deal?" Booth shrieked. "The damn thing's brand new and I only sat in the it once! It should go to the dump for Sweets to see what kind of disaster he caused!"

"Third, I will share my Anthropologist's Cave with you for the duration of the time you need to demolish, fumigate, and rebuild your Man Cave," she decreed, almost daring him to challenge her on it.

"But, Bones!" he pleaded. "How the Hell do you expect me to watch a game, or anything for that matter, with all your skeletons and icky stuff all over the place? I take one bite of a hot dog or burger or nachos and I'll be rushing to the Porcelain God for some extra praying time!"

"Then I suggest you hurry and finish your rebuilding project as soon as possible," Bones told him, a wicked smile playing across her lips. "I will do one thing for you."

"Rip Sweets a new one?" Booth almost begged, hoping that she would give him that at least.

Bones chuckled, actually knowing that particular colloquialism. "No, but I will pay for a new couch, a new large screen wall mounted flat panel display television, and three items of sports memorabilia of your choice," she offered. "Consider it an early birthday offering. I will also allow you to live out a fantasy of your choice tonight when we go to bed."

Booth did perk up on hearing all that, but it was still not enough to assuage his ire at Sweets. "Okay," he grudgingly conceded. "But, Bones, if I walk in on Sweets having some fun with Small Fry again, alone or with a guest, then I will make sure that the Little Smokey is a distant memory!"

With that Booth leaned over, kissed Bones, and whispered in her ear. "I think it's wounded soldier, hot sexy nurse night," he said, and then quickly left with Christine. He would have to spend some time figuring out how to actually get back at Sweets, but at least Bones was offering a full on delight. It was unfair, though. Sweets defiles the Man Cave and walks away with a new couch and not a scratch on him. Damn!

_A/N: There it is. I am considering a short epilogue to this one, but it will have to wait until I have some other writing finished that I am working on. For now consider this one complete. I hope you all enjoyed it. Gregg._


End file.
